#TBT: When Do Right, No Can Defend

Booster’s jiujitsu is better than mine. She’s had several opportunities to demonstrate this, and I’m happy to say I’ve countered her countless attempts she’s made to trip me with her pedals while hike-a-biking. But I also have to give credit where credit is due: she’s scored three takedowns fair and square.

It’s the sweep of her handlebars that makes her such a cunning opponent. I replaced the factory-issue straight bar with a Jones H-Bar, which is shaped like a short bow, the kind orcs use around here to stick you full of poisoned arrows. It gives me multiple hand positions and doubles my real estate when it comes to mounting stuff. I love love love my H-Bar, but Booster can be pretty tricksy with it.

Her first takedown caught me unawares. The second time I should have known better, because it was the same technique. In both cases I stopped to take a photo and didn’t dismount the bike. She leans over a little, her front wheel turns, and she catches me behind the knee with the end of her handlebar. Her falling weight collapses my knee, and from there she does a thing—twice now—a thing I never imagined a bicycle could do: she rolls me up into an X-guard takedown.

I wish I could show you a photo of exactly how a bicycle does this, because she’s hit me with this twice and hell, I want to see how she does it. But in both cases she planted my weight so far forward that even if I could have reached my camera I wouldn’t have been able to capture the shot. She keeps her handlebar so close to her frame that I can’t bend my leg to slide it out, and since she’s a good BJJ player she knows how to stay heavy. She hangs on me like dead weight, which means I can’t straighten my leg either.

The first time she nailed me with this, I had a nearby tree to push off against to get back to standing. The second time we were on a dirt road, with no mechanical advantage to avail myself of. With her guard locked in I cannot stand, cannot sit back, cannot pull forward. I’m sure I’d have found an escape eventually, but as it happened, two newfound friends drove by and found me helplessly entangled. Embarrassing, yes, but not so embarrassing that I won’t tell you about it.

Booster’s third takedown was very nearly a moment of glory for me. It was one of my crashes on the Timber Trail. We took a curve too fast, hit loose gravel, and as we were going down I remembered the legendary story of my good friend Misty. She used to race mountain bikes and once crossed the finish line in mid-crash. (Misty, let me know if if I’m getting the details wrong.) As I remember it, she pushed the handlebars straight down and just walked off over the front of the crashing bike.

So I thought I would attempt a Magnificent Misty Mountain Maneuver. Booster is crashing. Hard. I shift forward and start my pass over the handlebars. I’d have made it too, if they were the original straight bar. But no, I had to upgrade to the one handlebar Booster could use to hook the top of my foot.

So down I went. Point, Booster. I bet I could take her if we were wearing gis, though. I was never worth a damn as a no-gi fighter.

ETA: I landed the Magnificent Misty Mountain Maneuver! Today Booster slid out from under me on the muddy Waiuta Track (of which more later; it’s now my favorite part of the TA, and not just because of my MMMM). Bike goes down, I control both ends of the handlebar this time, and I walk right out of the crash. Score one for Steve!